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Get your sex life up and running!

By Katerina Janouch

Have you also wondered how some couples keep the spark alive year in and year out in long relationships? Well, the good news is that it is perfectly possible to have a long term commitment – and awsome sex life!

It is not a law of nature that sexuality has to wither as you combine it with everyday life. In fact, it is a well-preserved myth that long relationships automatically mean that sex life must be monotonous, dull or completely dead. With a little imagination, courage and dedication, you can experience the passion with your life partner over and over again.

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One of the most common questions about sex in long term relationships is how to tackle the lack of desire when you have been together for decades. "Help, I'm not that head over heals turned on by my partner any more... is there a cure for that?" Or: "We have lived together for many years, but now we have stopped cuddling and caressing... honestly, there is not so much intimacy left between us." Another one: "We love each other profoundly but have become more like siblings, the passion is no longer there.

The truth is that everyday life, with the stress of juggling both career and family, friends and the rest of what we can imagine like running around in a hamster wheel, can kill the most powerful attraction. Love and sex thrive when there is some amount of uncertainty, and that is more than you can say about relationships when you share almost everything with your peer.

Too much intimacy can also wear out erotic attraction. Long and strenuous marriages do not directly mean playfulness.

There is often more talk about taxes, interest rates, amortization, broken boilers and children who are struggling in school than about orgasms, sensual positions, and how to have oral sex in the best way. Therefore, there is sometimes a certain risk to escape into a flirt with a handsome stranger, rather than trying to get the passion with your partner back.

But even in the longest relationship, the desire can be kept alive. It does not come automatically, but you would be surprised how easily achieved it can be if you really go for it.

The trick is to regard relationship and sexuality as your most beloved and favourite hobby.

Many people like to invest time in the car, in the home, in the garden, in their appearance... maybe in cooking or training, whatever that makes them feel good about themselves. 

So, why not try putting the relationship at the top of the list of things to be taken care of? The car, for example, has to be inspected annually – if you ignore it, there could be a driving ban. Actually, the relationship and love should also undergo an annual inspection and only then get the green light – go on for another year…

Often, there are not many factors required to get a feeling of excitement and re-ignition. Why not be inspired by the teen photo app Snapchat for example? Also suitable for adults who need a little heat in life... Dare to think unconventionally.

In the following interviews, three couples reveal the secret of how they keep the sexual spark alive.

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John, 42 & Sarah, 39

"We hook each other up digitally"

- It started with the fact that we both were bored as if sex life had slowed down. We have always had loads of great sex, but the last few years it has been a downhill trip as if nothing turns us on anymore. We used to watch porn to catch up, but not even these flicks were enough, they were so monotonous, reveals John. He continues:

– Then Sara said that we should make a movie of our own ... mostly for fun. I almost instantly got horny by thinking about how I was filming Sarah in sexy poses.

– We downloaded the Snapchat photo app, Sarah says. The photos can only be seen briefly, then they disappear. Then it wasn't long before I got a picture when John was on the loo at his office. He sent a picture of his dick and wrote "thinking of you". I got really excited ... and replied by sending a snapshot of my breasts. As a result, we began to have a very intense sex chat, almost as if we were getting to know each other again.

– When we met at home later, we were so horny both of us that we literally threw ourselves at each other, John continues. And we also realized that we both wanted to go ahead with the initial idea of making our own porn films. To record those intimate moments is really amazing. Both being the one holding the camera, and the one being exposed. Afterwards, watching movies together is incredible. And to send them to each other.

– In general, it is exciting to have sex chat and write down what you fantasize about ... as extended foreplay, says Sara. For me, it is very sexy to know that John is turned on by what I write and that he likes to see my body in the photos. This gives our sex life an incredible spark.

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Richard, 51, & Paula, 44

"A Swingers Party gave us the kick we needed"

Petra and Richard have been married for ten years.

- We love each other, but both of us are the kind of people that need kicks in our lives. We have discussed our relationship on and of and raised the concern of getting tired of each other. We have also been considering having an "open" relationship. Still, it has not felt like a realistic solution either, perhaps because we both have a certain propensity for jealousy, states Richard.
Therefore the couple decided to add some spice to their sex life in a slightly different way.

– We got a recommendation about a sex club in Berlin, kind of a swingers party. First, neither of us felt very comfortable going. Still, after a couple of glasses of wine, we both thought, ah, you have to live a little; otherwise, you will never experience anything exciting. So we decided on going, says Paula.

– The club was a little outside the center. It turned out to be a huge place, at first sight, an ordinary discotheque but at a closer look, everyone was dressed in fetish or underwear. The dress code was strict, no ordinary clothes. Upstairs there were rooms where you could have sex.

– You could choose to have sex exclusively with your partner but also with others, of course, after consent. We got really turned on by seeing others engaged in different erotic activities sex, it was very odd but also totally exciting. Eventually, we found a spot for our selves.

– We started caressing each other, but then another couple came up and asked if they could join… at first, we were surprised, but then we accepted them. We ended up having sex together, and that was fantastic, says Richard.

– I had never been with a woman, says Sara. I felt weird at first, but very quickly I thought that I liked it. But what really got me going was seeing Richard touching this other lady, it made me hornier than anything else I've experienced.

– And I really enjoyed seeing the other man caress Paula and have sex with her, Richard agrees. I really did not expect this would turn me on so much.

– We stayed at the club for several hours and had the sex of our lives. It was so free and easy, Paula remembers. Afterwards, the feeling remained in me, I got new perspectives on sexuality. At the same time, I felt even stronger than Richard was my soul mate. It was him I wanted to fall asleep and wake up with. Now we know that our sex life is never going to be dull again. We found the recipe, we can renew it together. And that feels great!

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Anthony, 31 & Betty, 30

"We got an erotic kick out of advertising on a sex site"

– Our sex life had been idle for a while, witnesses Betty. It gets pretty rough when you just have everyday life, the kids and the job… In the evenings we ended up just laying on our backs, exhausted, reeding books and hardly talking to each other. It was like we lost the ability to have sex. Eventually, it got worse, and we started picking on each other and arguing about meaningless things. The situation finally forced us to sit down and have a serious talk about our life together. We came to the conclusion that we still loved each other, but we were bored and needed new ignition.

– Previously we had discussed the possibility to include a third partner in our sex life. Still, it was mostly just on the fantasy stage. Suddenly we started talking about it again. We were both excited, and Anthony suggested that we advertise after a girl on a sex contact site, says Paula. I was sceptical at; first, it felt embarrassing, but once you could be anonymous, I slowly got used to the idea.

– We took some pictures of ourselves and wrote the ad together. Just by reading other people's ads I got excited... knowing then that others could read our text felt really sinful. Like a kind of real sex fantasy, but still safe, says Anthony.

It wasn't long before the answers started to trickle in. The couple was taken aback by the amount of them.

– We were surprised at how many there was! After reading the first batch together, we had sex, and it felt really great. I was really excited to think about how Betty and I would reconcile a meeting with those we got in touch with online, says Anton.

– Still, we were both unsure if we would pursue this. Somehow it became a new ignition between us just by taking pictures of ourselves, writing the ad and uploading it. Then we looked at the profile pictures of those who answered and fantasized about what it would be like in reality, he continues.

– Suddenly our sex life felt anything but boring, Betty fills in. Maybe we will really go for a date with some single guy och girl later – but even if we don't, this is a new take on our sex life that really brought us together.

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